I think an example that jumps out was a fairly large meeting, 15-20 people or so of pretty senior leaders at a company I was at. And my sort of style or communication style is one where I tend to listen and absorb and sort of process before I say anything or react or respond. And it’s just my natural state. And I think what happened in that environment where there was a lot of active discussion going on was, it came across as you’re too quiet, you’re not opinionated, you’re not demonstrating leadership.
And, took a moment to self-reflect, thought through sort of what is it about my approach that wasn’t resonating? What were the ways or the communication styles that were being expected in that group that maybe I didn’t fully understand? And I go back to having very supportive managers and mentors that sort of help you process through this feedback and what kind of behavioral changes, if any, need to be made.
And so I think when I started talking it through with some of those folks, they said, “You actually have very good ideas. You tend to wait until there is a quiet in the room before you start sharing ideas. You’re very uncomfortable interrupting. And you want to feel like you have a perfectly well thought out answer or response before you say something. And that’s not always needed. You need to feel more comfortable with talking out your thoughts potentially, read the room and see if that’s what was needed. And don’t worry about having sort of a perfect answer.
And if you do have something to say but you’re processing it, say that. There’s a lot of information being presented here. There are a few things that I’m still trying to put together in my mind, but I will come back with sort of a response when I feel like I’ve processed it more effectively. And give yourself that space and then folks will acknowledge that you do have something to say and let them wait 20 seconds, 30 seconds, whatever that is before your point of view is then shared, and then they can read the room, they can sort of react to what you’re saying.”
I think the other piece is, going back to the managers and the mentors, they then started sort of supporting me in that sort of large group settings as well, where if they feel that I hadn’t spoken up or said anything for a long time, they would sort of ask me, do you have something to share? How have you been processing this?
So, all of those little things, I think, helped me overcome what may truly have been a bit of sort of shyness or things in ways in which I might be holding myself back. But at the same time, those behaviors over time, and because that group stayed together for a long time, the group itself adapted a bit of how they communicated so they could account for different styles in the room and over time, they would change sort of, “Hey, we haven’t heard from a subset of folks for a while, let’s give them some time to sort of react and respond to what they’ve been talking about.”
And I recall because those were regular interactions and meetings and forums that were happening, I could over sort of a 12-to-18-month period, a complete change in how that group even operated.
